Our adoption journey: The day God didn’t show up

We started out going the traditional route of trying to adopt a newborn from a private agency.  After about a year of that, we decided we really wanted a toddler more than a baby. We’ve done sleepless nights 3 times already.  And….we ARE getting older. So, we decided to get our license to adopt from the foster care system in the states. We thought once we got that license that suuuuuuurely, we would quickly get a little girl, because A) isn’t the system overflowing with kids???  and B) as believers, surely the Lord would work quickly on our behalf.

Oh how naive we were.

We have put our home study in for 2 toddler girls but we were not selected for either.  And we were asked to adopt a sibling set, but the dynamics just didn’t seem a good fit for our family and if you remember this post…I needed to honor my husband’s wisdom and position in our family.  And even though that stunk, he was right.

And so here we are.  Almost a year after getting our license, almost 3 years after starting our journey….and still no 4^th kiddo.  We had always said when our 3^rd bio child started kindergarten that we would put a hault to our efforts.  Because we seriously never dreamed it would take 3 years.   And oh by the way, God loves it when we give Him deadlines, right?   Lol.

So, our baby started kindergarten almost 2 weeks ago.

And I feel….embarrassed. Maybe we heard God wrong.

Conflicted.  I don’t want to be jaded by our domestic social system, but what the heck?

Disappointed.   At the end of the day, all confliction and embarrassment aside, our family just wants another child.

And so we are left with the dilemma of where to go from here.  We could obviously adopt internationally, but we really felt called to adopting domestically.

What is a family to do?

I had reminded God of the calendar so many times this summer.

I reminded Him of our self imposed “deadline”.

In the event He didn’t already know, I told him how amazing He would look if He “showed up BIG the day BEFORE she began kindergarten”.

I reminded Him that He would get all the glory and look like a superstar.

But, the day came and went with no phone call from our social worker.

There was no parting of the Red Sea or “sun stand still” moment.

Ava’s school week started…..and we heard silence.

The deafening, painful silence of the day God didn’t show up.  That was our drop dead date.  We were to be done. Finished with adoption.  Getting on with our life.

And the day came and went quietly.

I know that I know that I know that my God is good.  I know He will never leave us nor forsake us.  I know He will show up when He is darned good and ready to show up.

Or……. He won’t.

And either way, as painful as it is…….He doesn’t owe me any explanation.  Even when I feel like I owe everyone ELSE an explanation, He doesn’t have to tell us why.

And my heart is to still make God look so big and so amazing and so GOOD to my other 3 kids.  Inside I wanna cry, “come on God….could you throw us a bone here?  My babies are watching this play out!!!!”

How do I adequately explain to my kids that God hears our prayers.  And He always answers.  Sometimes its a yes. Sometimes He says no.  And sometimes, He says not yet.

I know they can see faith at work through this.

I know they can watch us and learn how to handle disappointment.

But none of that makes us feel any better.  Or process this journey any quicker.  Or grieve that a dream is dwindling any less.

And so as I sit here in this Starbucks today doing the ugly cry, I can tell you we haven’t turned in our license.  We haven’t completely given up hope.  We haven’t thrown in the towel just yet.  We will work on God’s calendar.

But I am pleading on the inside.  Lord either make this happen or please shut this door. We will continue down this journey until He does one or the other.

And in the meantime, I would like to say I GET God’s timing.  I understand the scripture and biblical importance and significance of God’s timing which is sooooooo good and always better than ours.

I GET IT.
My head gets it.
I nod in agreement when people keep reminding me.  But I wanna spit nails on the inside.  Cuz’ it doesn’t make it FEEL any better.So, if you have someone in your world waiting on a child…..I’d like to encourage you to encourage them.

Let them know you will believe in their dream too until it comes to fruition.

Tell them you are sorry.

Ask them how the progress of their journey is….even if you are uncomfortable with asking.  Cuz’ asking means you remember.  Remembering means you care.  And caring means you aren’t afraid of the emotion that may come with the answer.

And just cry WITH them.

Pray for them.

And pray for us.

Because that sliver of faith that YOU have in OUR journey is some days enough to sustain MY faith.

So thank you for letting me bare my heart.  And get my ugly cry out.  I want you to know the ugly cry isn’t very often.  I’m not in a deep mourning over our adoption.  Most days I go about my day with complete normalcy.

But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder where our girl is?  And why can’t we find her?  This feels so lonely.  And sooooooo emotionally vulnerable.  It’s like getting picked last for the playground games….for 3 years straight.  And trying to convince people you were meant to play the game.  All while trying to keep a faithful face in front of our other kids.

I know our journey is not for nothing.

I know my God has a plan.

And either way, we win cuz’ I believe it’s His VERY best for us.

But until then, just cry with us, will you?

(PS…if you are aware of any healthy girl, age 2-6, of any nationality, in foster care who may become adoptable, please let us know. xoxo)